International Ugly Cake Day

As my darling peteybird informed me, "It looks like someone yakked on top of it."

Ain't nobody asked for your opinion, boychild. Now eat your damned cake! 

At least it was tasty.

I promise there is a good reason for my absence. I've been merrily sewing/embroidering along and as soon as I am finished, we will have a talk, okay?

Here's a little preview.

ETA: I forgot to add the recipe. Ooops. Fresh Strawberry Cake with Cream Cheese Swiss Meringue. Do not overbeat this stuff or your cake will be ugly too.

oh nom nom nom

So my new dress?

It has spaghetti sauce dribbles all over it and I'M NOT SORRY.

I turned out my first try at meatballs and they came out stellar, stellar I say! I'm not sure why I waited so damned long in the first place. I lived in dread of half cooked or overcooked meatballs that would taste like sawdust and thus, I left all my meatball preparations to someone with more experience.

But since I live with a kid who adores meatballs and I'm celebrating my six year anniversary with an Italian meatball lover, I figured I'd give it a whirl. Wanna know how I did it? (No, Bear Allen, there was no grape jelly involved, mmkay?)

Before we get started, I apologize for the ish directions. I'm not a very accurate cook and pretty much everything is a guestimate. Are you ready? Good. Get the following crap together.

1lb each of ground turkey, pork, and beef. I think I might have used a pound and a half of beef though.

2 shallots, minced

1/2 cup seasoned bread crumbs

2 eggs

1/4 cup grated parm, romano, and/or asiago. I went with romano.

5 cloves of garlic, minced (more or less depending on how many syllables you have in your last name and/or if it ends in a vowel)

Mix all of that together in a big old bowl, squishing all up in there for a good few minutes. It helps that you're using three types of meat because it's easier to see if it's well blended between all the various hues of well, you know, meat slop. Roll it up into decent sized balls, plop on a baking sheet, and slide in the oven at 400 until they look meatballish. Mine took about 20 minutes. Oh, and don't forget the salt and pepper.

Now for the sauce. I should call it the Somewhere Between Giada and Sandra Lee Sauce. There are no fresh tomatoes involved but I didn't pour in two cans of ragu, grate some cheese on top, and call it Semi Homemade either. (My FIL used to call it Mostly Store-bought. I miss that man.) So maybe it's in Rachel Ray territory. Of course mentioning Food Network people is probably not a ringing endorsement but whatever, this shizz is tasty, okay? Give it a while.

But first, you'll need the following:

one green pepper, diced

four cloves of garlic, minced (see Italian rule above)

2 lrg cans of stewed tomatoes

2 lrg cans of crushed tomatoes

2 small cans of diced tomato

2 small cans of tomato sauce

1/4 cup of tomato paste

a half cup or so of red wine (cheap is fine)

1 tbsp each of thyme, basil, and oregano

1 tsp chili powder

2 tsp of sugar

One onion, diced unless you happen to have half a red onion and half a vidalia onion hanging around, then use that.

one jar of roasted red pepper, diced and juices saved (or you could not be a lazy heifer and roast two yourself. It's super easy, I swear and probably cheaper. Just burn it on high in the oven, put in a paper bag to cool, then strip off the burned skin and carry on with your bad self. Not burned. Charred. I apologize. Charred.)

If I was feeling really sassy, I would have chopped up four slices of bacon, cooked them up, slid the pieces down my gullet, and used the bacon grease as a starter. But I was feeling lazy, as per usual, and dropped a bit of olive oil in the pan instead.

I cooked down the onion and green pepper with a little salt and pepper first. Then I added the garlic and the herbs. Next came the red pepper and the wine. I let that cook for a bit before squeezing in the tomato paste as mine comes in a tube resembling toothpaste that might have grossed me out the first time I used it.

Once that's bubbling all nicely, dump in all that tomato crap, the chili powder, and the sugar. Taste to make sure you aren't horribly offended and tweak as necessary. As a hint, it always needs more pepper. I have no idea why but if you can't figure out what tastes off, that's usually what is it, lack of pepper.

Then you just let it simmer low and slow until it's all thick and tasty and gloriously red. Then dump in your meatball masterpieces and let it simmer a bit more.

Boil up some pasta and bask in the glow of awesome.

You're welcome.

Pinterests wrongs and pinterest rights

Yay for crappy photography!

Like everyone else on the crafting/food/fashion blogging planet, I am enamored with Pinterest. It's sad really how quickly my life has come to revolve around a website I considered useless just three months ago. As you'll note in my last post, I'm getting an awful lot of inspiration. This can be a good thing considering we were in a bit of a food rut and a bad thing since I spend time pinning things when I should be in bed.

One of the first things I tried was the brilliant idea to mix avocado with egg salad. I don't know where I got it. I don't even think I pinned it but if you're sad that I didn't credit you, you'll have to live with the disappointment. It's avocado . . . in egg salad, not exactly a novel idea UNTIL YOU TRY IT!

At first, I was unimpressed, much like my initial thoughts on pinterest. I won't tell you what it resembled as no one on earth would put something in their mouth with that description no matter how much I wax poetic afterwards. Suffice to say that avocado should be added along with the mayonnaise, not as a substitute. It was glorious. oh so glorious. So feeling mighty fine, I decided I'd put some in mr man's chicken salad since he doesn't like egg salad, some being the avocado of course.

I might have eaten half his avocado chicken salad before his lunch could be packed away. I really couldn't say. I slapped that stuff on some oatmeal bread and inhaled it like a near drowning victim just rescued from a watery grave. (I just said, didn't I?)

Of course I bet now you're wondering why there's a bowl of shrimp and rice in this post now, aren't you?

This is where we come to the pinterest failures portion of this tale. I linked a recipe for Honey Lime Shrimp yesterday all excited to try it out. Well, don't, unless you're willing to give it a huuuuuuuuuuge overhaul or unless you've always envisioned shrimp for dessert. It's just too sweet. Thankfully, I was able to redeem the sugar sauce with some teriyaki, chinese five spice, and some ginger. Pinky stirfried up some broccoli and red pepper and I made some rice with recaito (a cilantro and onion sauce from goya.)

So I guess it wasn't a complete failure.

Wanna follow me on pinterest?

Click here.

This week's Sunday Dinner

There is nothing better than beef. Bacon, of course, ranks pretty high but a good piece of beef is a thing of beauty. When I was a kid, my mom used had a cookbook with a burgundy cover that I loved to peruse. The pictures looks like something the Two Fat Ladies would come up with but the results were divine. One of those recipes was called London Broil and instructed you to marinate a nice side of beef for a few hours and then save part of it for a follow up recipe called Buckingham Beef Salad.

I'd completely forgotten about this particular blend of awesomeness until my grocery store circular offered a sale price on London Broil. Immediately, my insides demanded I stuff it with deliciousness, never you mind the fact that I don't have the recipe and haven't made it since I was fourteen or so. I would figure it out if it killed me.

And figure it out I did. This stuff was the bombdiggity or perhaps I was simply giddy on lighter fluid fumes and the thrill of managing my first perfect grill fire of the season.

Either way, it was good eats at Casa de la Hot Mess and I managed to approximate the flavors pretty well. I made it a family affair and served it with garlic green beans in the style of my father in law and rounded it out with yummy sour cream and herb potatoes.

Meat and potatoes.

Does it get any better for a Sunday Dinner??

Why yes it does. May I present to you a cake that tastes and feels like a tagalong Girl Scout cake??

The exact recipe isn't important. You just need three things for success here, one yellow cake slightly warm from the oven, a half cup or so of smooth peanut butter, and a tasty milk chocolate icing. You just nuke the peanut butter for a few seconds until it spreads easily, about 30 seconds by my count. Slather it all over your cake. Next, freeze it until the peanut butter is nice and solid, then spread your icing on top. Pour yourself a glass of milk and try not to eat the whole pan.

You're welcome in advance.

Before I go, wanna see my shoes??

They were free courtesy of a credit I don't recall earning but took advantage of nonetheless. It's a wonderful color, one of my favorite colors as I'm a turquoise, aqua, sage, mint loving heifer.

And because my hair felt like cooperating, here's a shot of that too.

Even Tigger approves.

An accidental border crossing

Dude, ma, I'm trying to watch Jimmy Neutron!

I owe peteybird as many kisses as I can fit on his grimacing little face. After the success of the Cuban bean stew, my oldest says to me in the same wistful tone he uses when he's trying to weasel his way into some Playstation 2 time, "I wish we had some over so we could have bean burritos. I love bean burritos."

Lucky for him, not only am I a nice mom, but the stars seemingly aligned for this kid in a big way. For starters, I had half of the ingredients sitting in my kitchen without a dinner plan to call their own. I can't recall exactly why I bought pinto beans three weeks ago. There are at least three varieties of dried beans I like better. I'm also not sure what I was planning to do with the can of tomato paste that was up there either. It didn't hurt that there was a pound of stew meat in the freezer as well as tomatoes, a lone tomatillo, a wandering jalepeno in the crisper drawer and a grocery run in the near future.

When I was threw, I layered up that burrito and wouldn't you know it, there was a Taco Bell grilled stuffed burrito IN MAH MOUTH!!!!

Run for the border, indeed. And yes, I realize that Taco Bell tastes nothing like real Mexican food but that's their slogan and I'm sticking to it.

I'm willing to consider that perhaps I'm simply high and deluded myself into this conclusion but I swear to you, it tasted straight up like a Taco Bell grilled stuffed burrito. Oh nom nom nom!

Wanna know how I did it?

Taco Bell-ish beef and bean burritos

First, you'll need a crock pot and about a lb or so of stew beef.  You could easily use pork instead of the beef. Because pork makes everything better, duh. Anyway, drop that hunk of whatever in there and add the following items:

2 tbsp of chili powder
1 tbsp of ground cumin
2 tbsp of lime juice
3 tbsp of tomato paste
1 tbsp paprika.
1/2 tbsp garlic powder
1/4 c water

Try to remember to turn it on before you leave for the farmer's market/grocery store so you don't feel like an epic dumbass when you return to a house that still smells like febreeze and irritation instead of yummy mock mexican goodness. This epic dumbass was forced to cook it at high for 4-5 hours but if you aren't a hot mess like me, you could probably go for 6-8 hours on low.

While that's cooking, you can move onto the pinto beans. I can't take full credit for the following as I incorporated some of the ingredients and techniques from petey's inspirational item, the black bean stew.

Vaguely Taco Bell Pinto Beans

half green pepper, finely chopped
half a yellow onion, chopped
four cloves garlic, minced
2 tsp minced fresh oregano
1 lb of pinto beans, soaked according to pkg directions and rinsed
1 1/2 tbsp chili powder
1 tbsp ground cumin
1 tsp paprika
2 cups chicken broth
2 cups water
2 bay leaves


Heat about 1 tbsp or so of oil or butter in a fat pot. Add green pepper, onion, and a sprinkling of salt. Stir on high until sweated down and yummy. Toss in the garlic and oregano. Cook for about 30 seconds, then add the spices. Pour in the beans, chicken broth, water, and bay leaves. Bring to a boil. Cover and simmer on low for about an hour and a half or so or until beans are tender. Pull out about two cups of beans and either mash with a fork or pulse in the food processer/blender before stirring back into the beans. This will make them thicker. Otherwise, you're going to end up with burrito soup.

Seasoned Rice

Next, it's onto the rice. You'll need two packages of Goya Sazon seasoning. Add to a heavy sauce pan along with two cups of rice and four cups of water. Bring to a boil, then cover and simmer on low until  cooked through.

Salsa

In a food processor, pulse two tomatoes, half an onion, one tomatillo, jalepeno, a couple splashes of lime juice, and salt and pepper to taste. You could also add cilantro but I didn't have any and it wasn't on sale this week so there you go. For mild salsa, you'll want to use half a seeded and deveined jalepeno. If you like more of a kick, go with a whole jalepeno, seeds and all. If you're a brave soul with a teflon tongue, skip the jalepeno and toss in a habenero.

To top is all off, you'll need sour cream, shredded lettuce, and crumbled queso fresca from the "ethnic" section of the cold stuff. The only think I wish I added was a healthy smearing of avocado.

"Because this is what you do
when something is really awesome," she says.

Pinky was thrilled with dinner as evidenced by her exuberant use of devil's horns. Do not ask me where she got that. As far as I know, she's not been watching VH1 Classic behind my back. I could blame it on her father. He was in a heavy metal band in his younger, follicular awesome days. Or perhaps she was temporarily inhabited by the ghost of Ronnie James Dio. You think he had a thing for Taco Bell?

A new endeavor

I've decided to try something new and likely mundane and boring but before we get to that, let's discuss the 4th. Did you enjoy yours? Aside from some majorly sore legs thanks to the city's dumbass idea to stop bus service before the end of the fireworks, the kiddie means and I had a faboo time. Unforch for mr man, he was forced to work. Boo.

So what exactly did we do? We had a picnic dinner of course. The grilled chicken skewers with balsamic glaze recipe I tried from my last All You magazine was underwhelming. It didn't suck but I could have used my standard marinade of teriyaki sauce, soy sauce, garlic, and ginger with more satisfying results. But that's okay because, dude, can we take a moment to discuss broccoli slaw??

My MIL introduced me to this awesomeness over Easter week and let me tell you, this chick is HOOKED! Yes, yes, some people are offended by the mere presence of mayo but we call those people fun suckers. Just take a cup of mayo (shaddup), a couple tbsp of sugar, and a couple more tbsp of vinegar, mix it up, and then toss it with a bag of shredded broccoli, carrots, a big handful of craisins, and a couple strips of crumbled bacon. I tell you, this stuff is like crack. CRACK I TELL YOU!!!! If you don't have a husband who balks at the idea of "nuts in his mouth" because he's forever twelve, you can feel free to add a sprinkling of slivered almonds or sunflower seeds.

After dinner, we power walked it down to River Street for the fireworks. In hindsight, it would have been a better idea to pick out our spot on the waterfront and eat down there while waiting for dark. But a good time was had by all, except for the fifteen minutes between when pudding's hunger pains started up and we were able to find a place to sit down.

So what's this new, rather boring pursuit I will be adding to my blogging repertoire?

Well, it seems the world believes that broke folks cannot eat decent food on a budget. Apparently, we are regulated to Micky D's on the regular and thus, it's up to someone, anyone to swoop in and save us from Hamburger Helper Hell. First off, I like hamburger helper so all you haters can hush it. Actually, that's beside the point. The point is that with the exception of urban areas and/or people without access to any sort of transportation, broke folks can eat decently. What I will concede, however is that is does take some foresight, time, and energy to do so. And so I've decided to add meal planning to my blogging.

I am a housewife after all.

Not only will I be sharing recipes and menus, I'll be posting about my grocery budget, sharing my successes and failures. My goal is to feed us for about $150 a week, probably $200 when you add in non-food grocery items like dishwashing detergent and paper towels. So stay tuned for more details.

Until then, wanna see more holiday pics? I know my mommy does. Please ignore the fact that I look like a knocked up Jessica Simpson at the county fair if you please. I had a choice between cute but sweltering and freedom loving schlump and I chose the later.

Look at Pudding, trying to sit up like a big boy!

Let freedom ring indeed.

A little brotherly love

What's more American than red, white, and blue shortcake?
Marvel superheros, that's what.

Live long and prosper, America

It's raining, it's pouring

I'm blaming the rain for my lack of productivity today. I sewed exactly jack and shizit today, didn't cut out a damned thing. I weeded nothing and watered about two hours before the skies opened up and released a torrent that I thought would knock over my sage.

I did manage a homemade veggie sausage soup though.

I made the stock from yesterday's lamb trimmings and spent the day salivating as the scent permeated my kitchen. This is also the trouble with using your crockpot while you're at home. Suddenly you feel like a supermodel in the middle of a bakery, your stomach lecturing you while you try in vain to convince yourself that you are not starving. I may have stuffed my face all day accordingly. Half of that might have been leftover Sunday dinner dessert. Cookie brownies are the devil.

I worked in some MMM, too.

This is the Sorbetto blouse by Colette Patterns. Yay for a free working pattern.

There is no try

Ahh, Sunday dinner.

A time honored tradition in which all parties gather in the kitchen, listen to some Sinatra, and labor over a nice, home cooked meal and a faboo dessert while dodging incoming fire from a roving band of mandalorians who have been engaged by the Sith to hijack dinner prep and poison the unsuspecting republic's dining facilities.

Wut? This doesn't happen in your household?

Thankfully, Asoka Tano, Mace Windu, and the strategic use of the force enabled us to turn out a lovely shepherd's pie featuring golden lamb chops delivered to Savannah by caravan across the dessert.

No, really, you need to understand the lengths I undertook to snag 3lbs of lamb chops. Do people not eat lamb anymore? I'm not sure why I'm shocked actually. I've had lamb exactly four times in my life and half of those were over the last two days. I will say I was surprised to find I could purchase fresh goat in my local Kroger but not lamb of any kind.

Goat, people. Goat.

Maybe I should find a recipe for a future Sunday dinner, hmm?