Introducing the next Roger Ebert

Not to be outdone by her brother, the pinkasaurus has decided that she will be reviewing our Friday Movie Night selections. I wish she'd decided this last week so she could have provided her thoughts on the ultimate in 80's awesomeness, Red Dawn. But alas, you'll all have to hear about this really terrible movie I only pulled from the Redbox because my kids were lulled in by the awful trailer.

::sigh::

The things I do for my children.

Except not really because I didn't watch this. I tried to, figured it might be smart to sit there with them in case an errant boob or buckets of blood crossed the screen but it only took about fifteen minutes into something that desperately wanted to be Cloverfield for the Twilight crowd for me to sacrifice their delicate little psyches for my own.

Turns out, even the kids weren't impressed. Here's pinky's take.

The Darkest Hour is not a good movie. Girls were dum dumb. Do not watch The Darkest Hour. It was not an hour. It was a couple weeks. Well, you could see the aliens at the end and they had these little black masks on. THEY WERE HORRIBLE LOOKING. That was the only good part of the movie. All the girls kind of died except for two because they kept running to stupid places and got shredded into dust.

IT WAS NOT GOOD!

So there you have it. The Darkest Hour was tragic. If you don't trust us, check out Rotten Tomatoes. They gave it a measly 12%. I really need to stop watching Summit movies. They are the ones responsible for foisting Twilight off on poor, naive teenagers. But they did give me Helen Mirren as an kick ass assassin in Red so I suppose I can't fully hate them.

If I had a million dollars

I'd still be broker than a joke. 

Woodland Farms Antiques is one of my favorite places to browse and buy vintage patterns. Don't be fooled by your first glance. Yes, she sells gorgeous vintage items but she's also sitting on a HUGE selection of reasonably prices patterns starting in the Victorian era all the way up to the 80's which, uhm, kill me now that the 80s are considered vintage by some. In the past, I found the site a bit clunky to navigate. The shopping cart system she was working with didn't save pictures so I'd load it up, forget what I placed there and then have to go back and flip through to decide what I really wanted.

However, I received an email recently that suggested new changes. And since a shiny little coupon code was dangled before my sew greedy little eyes, I hustled my behind right over to give it a look see.

It's a Hooverette, people!!

Long story short, I recently lost a silent auction on a made up version of this pattern crafted by the lovely Anna over at Pleasant View Schoolhouse. Her is a beautiful apple green polka dot version that looks ever so sweet and modern and every day wearable. Betcha couldn't tell that from the pattern, now could you? Skip on over here to see it in action. What did I tell you? Cuuuuuuuute! While you're visiting, make sure you check out her post on turning dresses into aprons here. I have a few cute dresses that will never again fit my behind that could do with this treatment.

I also fell in love with this very adorable WWII era pattern that calls to mind Cate Blanchett in Charlotte Gray,

Or Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller in Edge of Love.

As I really don't need to two patterns I'm buying anyway, I had to leave all the other pretties behind. But if you like, you can snatch up a few at 30% off with the code FALLSALE.

Might I suggest a few?

Anne Adams #4932

Hollywood #524

Advance #8878

Advance #6470

Promises, promises

That's what I get, right? Yeah, let's just pretend that whole bit never happened, mmkay?

Moving on.

So the whole damned world is obsessed with knit blazers and because I'm about as original as cream of crap recipes on pinterest, so am I. The simple fact is, trends aside, a knit blazer is a nice, yet casual piece that can keep a hot mess like myself from living in full time frumpville with incredible ease. Since I have neither the time nor the inclination to sort around racks with a growling baby while trying to find something that fits in a price range I'm willing to pay, I'm going to make one. Shut up about all the crap I say I'm going to make and don't finish, okay? I ain't trying to hear that!

From Macy's but no longer available

Please tell me you appreciate all that cute. I could wear it with jeans, with skirts, over summer dresses to carry them into what we call Fall here in hot ass Georgia, etc. Tell me you aren't obsessed too. I've been mulling this little project over in my head for some time now but since I'm more terrified of knits than pinky is of the tripods in War of the Worlds (It's been five years now since she saw that movie and she's still uncertain around cracks in the pavement) I've just been sort of sitting on the idea, not thinking much of it.

Well as it often happens when you're playing on the internet instead of sewing a black brocade sheath dress, I fell upon a lovely blog (wo)manned by a housewife after my own heart, the lovely Lisa G at Notes from a Mad Housewife. I wonder if she likes Queen. And look, LOOK I SAY at what she's made.

I could die, I really could. This is more exciting than the time I finally found a brand of baby wipes that didn't smell like old people or teen spirit. Huggies One and Done with Cucumber if you're curious.

What's even more exciting are two whole posts detailing how she got it done, here and here.

And what's super duper coffeeheathbaricecreaminmyfreezer exciting is that there was a sew along with detailed instructions on how to accomplish this splendiferous it is so a word, google feat by another new to me blogger, the very adorable Sherry at Pattern Scissors Cloth and she runs, something I only do when something is chasing me.

So it will be just like having two people hold my fear stricken little hands. If only I could find someone to poke me in the rear end with a cattle prod and cure me of a raging case lazyheiferitis.

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound or so they say because, as hinted above, I've already purchased fabric, a beautiful Italian Double Knit from Fabric Mart. To perhaps mitigate the damage to my previous "solemn oath," if indeed that's possible, I will be using a pattern I already own, Burda 7576.

The reviews seem positive enough and between the sew along directions and Lisa G's inspired piece, I think it will look cute. Don't you?

Anyone else itching for a knit blazer? Have you sewn one?

Introducing a new feature: Literary Musings by Pete

My ten year old is a voracious reader. Lucky for him, a friend had a huge garage sale recently and we hit pay dirt on a treasure trove of books. Because this kid says the most giggleworthy things (or maybe just in my opinion, idk) I asked him if he might like to write up some reviews for his books. Who knows? Maybe he'll grow up to be just like my favorite book blogger, the gorgeously curly Ms Bear Allen over at Black, White, and Read.

And here's the first installment in this series.

Jumanji by Chris Van Allsburg (maybe, it's some sort of weird, you dumb kids are too dumb to read the real book unless you've seen the movie and even now that you've seen the movie, I'm still going to just regurgitate the movie instead of expecting you to the read the real book novelization of the movie of the book or something.)

Hi, my name is Shane and I'm here to talk about a book named Jumanji. It's a good book for all ages. Jumanji is about how a man, a woman, and a turtle, I mean two kids, played a game called Goats on a Boat. 

I'm just kidding, it's called Jumanji.

The more you play it, the more cute puppies dangerous things come out. I thought it was THE WORST BOOK EVER.

I'm joking. I was actually a COOL book.

Thanks for reading.

You should read Jumanji. It's a good book.

YAY! 

This kid seriously slays me. Too bad you can't hear his hilarious, laugh at my own jokes giggle as he read me this review.

He's currently reading James and the Giant Peach so stay tuned to hear his random thoughts on weird illustrations and his irritation that his sister won't read such awesome merely because there are no princesses and prissy girls involved.

Look how big my boy is getting??

He can sit up all by his lonesome now and he crawls.

::sob::

Where does the time go?

When will he get a job?

$269!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's how much the antique shop wants for the gorgeous Jackie O ensemble I mentioned here.

It's actually a really great price now that I've had the chance to get all up close and personal with it. I'm going to guess it's wool due to the weight but it has such a smooth texture that I'm not sure. Most old clothes feel polyesterish to me so don't take my word for it on fiber content. Ambiguous fabric aside, it's in fabulous condition, the color is rich and I saw no odd spots whatsoever. It looks like it was transported here from the 60's era shop from which it was sold with nary a person to wear it. I would have taken more pictures, but it felt a little weird being all up in dude's display case with my phone.

Instead, I'll show you the pictures I took of this absolutely adorable Revolutionary War era frock coat. I should say style, not era as I think it was a costume. If it was the real deal, they wouldn't be selling it for $100 I'm sure, even with all the wear and damage to it.

The back is my favorite part. I'm sure there is a technical term for that detailing but we're just going to call those butt pleats, okay?

Since I was in the area, I hit up the antique shop two doors down but as big as the place was, I didn't see anything that struck my fancy but I did find a dress that inspired me to get cracking on a cute little vintage sundress.

Ignore the belt and focus for a minute with me on the gathered bodice above the waist. Cute, right? Beautiful wide color and an adorable tiered skirt. Too bad I loathe for fabric. Good thing I can sew. I can have one of my very own without having to drape myself in green tiki fabric that will make me look like I'm fighting a losing battle with sea sickness.

And that's really all I have to report. There were more than a few cute vintage hats but again, that tricky problem with photographing things. I guess I'm not sure what the etiquette is there. Will dude think I'm casing the joint? Will he find it odd that I love things enough to snap pictures but not purchase them?

Anyone else have this problem?

The Weekly Gif Parade: Homework version

I find it odd how much time is spent discussing, debating, and prepping parents for the first three or four years of your kid's life. If you peruse the internet for anything more than a hot minute, you'll stumble across many of the landmines and rocket propelled grenades on the front lines of the mommy wars. Twenty minutes on google will give you all the talking points you need to do battle at major cities like BreastorFormulatam, Toddler Tempersburg, Nappomattox, and all sorts of historic sites. And yet oddly enough, all of that tapers off once you send those life ruining altering little blabbermouths down the way to the nearest, well researched schoolhouse.

Why is that?

I'll tell you why. It's because getting your kid to sleep through the night, wondering what age to introduce solids, even the ear shattering shrieks of a baby who wails inconsolably the moment water touches her skin (I'm looking at you, pinky) pales in comparison to the living, breathing hell that is guiding your child through their homework every night.

It all starts off innocently enough.

There's a table, a pencil, a stack of paper, and perhaps a school book or two and there's a child who just moments earlier was making you think about ending it all regaling you with tales of how her bff has a boyfriend that kisses her on the playground. Then you get home and you are forced to ask a question that will turn the tide of your evening in irreparable ways.

"Do you have homework?"

Suddenly, the child who was charming you just moments before,

is looking at you like you've asked them if you can kick their puppy.







You get yourself together,

And find something else to do in the misguided hope that for once, they will just finish the work already and leave you in peace. But before you can settle in all comfortable-like,


 

Inevitably, one of your kids has to roll up on you and interrupt you polishing off the rest of the sweet potato pie with a question. Obviously, no one wants to believe their kids are dumb and most kids are not dumb. However, if you've never looked at your kid and wondered if their brain fell out of their head between the school and your front door, you might not be a parent.

"Mommy, I don't know if I should add or subtract."

Now look, I'd love to tell you that I am the soul of patience, but I'm quite happy with the length of my nose.




So instead I'll confess a little irritation with the fact that no matter how many times I tell them that I'm not telling them the answer, they continue to come at me with questions that can I can only assist with by doing just that. Instead, I end up spitting out, "read it.again," through clenched teeth while wearing a plastered on smile.




This goes on at least three more times before they creep back up all sheepishly, paper in hand to ask you another question.


Just when you're about to lose your damned mind,



your child utters the words that save your sanity, "Will you check this for me?"


Seems innocuous enough I know but truly, this is a good thing. It means your whole ordeal is very nearly over.




So you gladly accept his paper, stare at it for a long moment,




And remind yourself that you did graduate high school once upon a time and dammit, you were pretty good at it. But that was then, this is now, and startlingly, you're right back in the fifth grade cutting your eyes at your hosebeast teacher and wondering what the hell good math will ever do you anyway.







You spend a few moments reacquainting yourself with the material, figuring out what new crap they're calling the terms your teachers spent all that time drilling into your head,





Until finally, you can issue a coherent explanation without risking your kid looking at you like this,




However, it's all worth it for bliss of seeing the look on your baby's face the exact moment they grasp a new concept.





Or perhaps the moment you can send them to bed. I don't know. But I'll let you know when I figure it out. This stuff has to pay off sometime, right?


The Hot Mess Housewife, molding young minds since 2001.

Am I old?

The dude in the convenience store this morning seemed to thing so.

I stop in the same place every week for my Sunday, coupon laced paper and bargain basement gas station caramel macchiato. I'm singing a bit to myself, feeling fine in my cute heels when it's my turn to pay for my oatmeal cream pies. (Oatmeal is breakfast food, okay? And I just remembered I still have in my purse. YAY!)

This is how the conversation went.

"Uhm, are you singing this song" dude asks me as if I'm grooving along to Cole Porter or something.

"Heck yes! This is the soundtrack of my teen years, yo."

"I've never heard it before."

"It's from Reality Bites, I think or it might be from that kind of crappy movie about Yale that I loved anyway because Brendan Fraser had yet to need a hair piece."

Dude stares at me with that look of utter cluelessness you get when people walk up to you and assume you speak a foreign language just because you come by your tan honestly.

::sigh::

I weep for humanity.

Pinky Promise

Stashaholism is real, guys.



Despite all the sewing supplies I'm sitting on and have purchased in the last month alone, I'm thisclose to some serious pattern and fabric binging.

In order to save my bank account, my marriage, and the backlog of crap I've still yet to sew, I'm taking to the internet to make a solemn promise.

I shall not purchase another fabric or craft related item be it books, patterns, or supplies until I have completed ten, that's right TEN sewing projects. And I said complete, not cut out, not kind of sort of, not half ass changed my mind but ten complete sewing projects.

First up, this New Look pattern.

I'll be wearing a gray knit version of this to church tomorrow morning.

Wish me well.

Pinterests wrongs and pinterest rights

Yay for crappy photography!

Like everyone else on the crafting/food/fashion blogging planet, I am enamored with Pinterest. It's sad really how quickly my life has come to revolve around a website I considered useless just three months ago. As you'll note in my last post, I'm getting an awful lot of inspiration. This can be a good thing considering we were in a bit of a food rut and a bad thing since I spend time pinning things when I should be in bed.

One of the first things I tried was the brilliant idea to mix avocado with egg salad. I don't know where I got it. I don't even think I pinned it but if you're sad that I didn't credit you, you'll have to live with the disappointment. It's avocado . . . in egg salad, not exactly a novel idea UNTIL YOU TRY IT!

At first, I was unimpressed, much like my initial thoughts on pinterest. I won't tell you what it resembled as no one on earth would put something in their mouth with that description no matter how much I wax poetic afterwards. Suffice to say that avocado should be added along with the mayonnaise, not as a substitute. It was glorious. oh so glorious. So feeling mighty fine, I decided I'd put some in mr man's chicken salad since he doesn't like egg salad, some being the avocado of course.

I might have eaten half his avocado chicken salad before his lunch could be packed away. I really couldn't say. I slapped that stuff on some oatmeal bread and inhaled it like a near drowning victim just rescued from a watery grave. (I just said, didn't I?)

Of course I bet now you're wondering why there's a bowl of shrimp and rice in this post now, aren't you?

This is where we come to the pinterest failures portion of this tale. I linked a recipe for Honey Lime Shrimp yesterday all excited to try it out. Well, don't, unless you're willing to give it a huuuuuuuuuuge overhaul or unless you've always envisioned shrimp for dessert. It's just too sweet. Thankfully, I was able to redeem the sugar sauce with some teriyaki, chinese five spice, and some ginger. Pinky stirfried up some broccoli and red pepper and I made some rice with recaito (a cilantro and onion sauce from goya.)

So I guess it wasn't a complete failure.

Wanna follow me on pinterest?

Click here.

This week's menu

I'm totally a day late and a dollar short this week. Blame it on Labor Day and the U.S. Army.

I've started shopping at the commissary on post again since Mr Man is in the guard and was going on my usual Sunday after church when I've had time to peruse the sales flyers and make my list accordingly. However, Monday is the commissary's stocking day which means everything there on Sunday is slim pickings. The meat department resembles the Zombie Apocalypse two days after patient zero started gnawing on faces. Since meat is the primary reason I go to the commissary, I decided to change my shopping day to Tuesday.

However, the commissary is closed on Mondays due to the aforementioned stocking day. When there's a holiday on Monday, they close on Tuesday as well. So I didn't grocery shop until Wednesday. Why I'm not blogging about it until today? Well, you know how I roll . . .

So, onto the list. I actually spent a bit more than I planned to this week. However, that's because there were a couple deals I couldn't pass up as well as some deals where I needed to buy a bit more in order to use my handy dandy coupons. But I still came in pretty close at about $160. Of course I can't find the stupid receipts but would you rather have pics of receipts eventually or a blog post now?

I'll get better, I swear.

Thursday: Sausage Rotini with broccoli and garlic bread

Friday: Honey Lime Shrimp with broccoli, red pepper, and rice

Saturday: Crockpot chicken and noodle soup with fresh bread (HA! I'm not even sure why I'm trying. I bet money my lazy behind ends up picking up some at Kroger and calling it good. If mr man is lucky, I'll hit up the cute bakery up the street and get some rosemary ciabatta bread.

Sunday: PICNIC TIME!! Steak and veggie wraps, fruit salad, and maybe potato salad.

Monday:  Cuban Flank Steak over rice

Tuesday: Chili Colorado Burritos Enchiladas

It's gonna be a good week.

Uh Oh, it's magic!

How much is this beauty in the window??

I don't know and I'm not asking. For starters, see that gray part at the top? Yeah, not gray but beautifully, painstakingly sequinned both at the top of the bodice and along the gorgeous collar on the coat. Matching pillbox hat, a beautiful fabric with a lovely sheen, matching coat, perky little gloves, and a beautiful sequinned bag all adds up to too rich for my blood.

Plus, they were closed so I would have had to wait around with the hot mess pudding so see only to be disappointed when I flipped the little tag and gasped aloud.

However, occasionally, you can be surprised when asking.

For instance, I went to a massive community yard sale over the weekend. To be frank, the selection was terrible. Overpriced crap interspersed with clothing broke grandmas wouldn't be caught dead in. Broken toaster ovens, two copies of Dianetics, and old southern gospel church lady two piece suits. I was just about to go home depressed when I spied with my little eye a couple copies of Creative Needle sitting underneath a fat pile of how to make fleece santas from old socks and dryer lint magazines.

SCORE, right?

But then I kept looking and what before my wondering eyes should appear?

Oh, no no no, I said to myself. Surely, I'm going to open this box and it will be filled with buttons and old zippers, right?

WRONG!!!

There was a pleater inside. And for those of you who don't know what a pleater is, well, it's nifty and it's used for making the pleated on smocked items. If you aren't from the south, you probably still have no clue what I'm talking about but after today, if you're a regular reader, I promise you'll find out.

So, I says to myself, "Self, don't get your hopes up. You know what these babies are worth new and what they go for on ebay. DO NOT GIVE IN AND HAND OVER ALL YOUR CASH FOR IT, MMKAY?"

Bravely, I looked at the little "make offer" sticker affixed to the top, swallowed my nervousness and high hopes and inquired very cautiously how much she wanted for it.

$50 bucks she said. Lord, I could have fallen over. I started whipping out my cash right then and there before I remembered she had other stuff I might wanted to buy.

Look, I bought some other stuff but really, I can barely recall. A couple sewing magazines, some silk ribbon, whatever. The point is I walked away with a pleater that's maybe seen the light of day three times with extra needles besides for a whopping $50. I could have baby sat ebay for months and maybe paid $125.

Isn't she beautiful??

This probably means I should go back and check out the tag on the Jackie O ensemble, yes??

I'll report back.

Glory, Glory how the angels sang!

I have some exciting news to share from the home front.


MY CHILDREN HAVE RETURNED TO SCHOOL, YO!!!!


 There might have been some this:





And a little bit of this:





But between my internet and my computer conspiring to give me to old kiss off like so,





And my kids acting like they've never had school and chores at the same time before,





You might have noticed a disturbing absence in the force.





It seems every time I finally sit my ass down in front of the computer, Uverse decides no one wants to read what I have to say. I must as admit my first reaction is just a wee bit of anger.




Coupled with something of a destructive streak.





Thankfully, I come to my senses before any real damage is done and fine other activities to occupy my time, like unpacking leftover moving boxes or other activities, maybe.

















It seems the simplest solution is to do my blogging during the day when the internet seems to run with no issues, instead of waiting until just before bed when everyone and their mother (or my husband and his little friends) is putzing around the interwebs/playing copious amounts of Battlefield 3.





I might be a genius.


So to all of you who have been chilling out like so,





waiting for new posts, I issue my most humblest of apologies.





Can you ever forgive me?